Judith: Porn-Addicted, Fornicating, Liar. Loved by God.
I’m Judith, and this is my story:
I was kind of afraid to do this; but I wasn’t going to ‘hide my scars anymore, I wanted to use them as proof that God heals’, and that He certainly healed me. I honestly believe that is part of the reason I don’t remember a lot from when I was a young kid, because my mother protected me and my brother from it. She was and still is such an amazing mother. She gives and gives and gives. I owe a lot to her. She is incredible.
Life was good, at least the side I showed everyone was.
I started my first day of high school at a brand new school, away from my dad, and away from my old life. I quickly got the reputation of “Jesus girl”, which I loved because no one knew I was in an intense, sexually driven relationship with someone in their 20s and I was 15. Although, physically I was a virgin; emotionally, and even mentally I was the furthest thing from a virgin. I was introduced to to porn when I was 13, and was immediately hooked to it. I craved it. It quickly became all that I thought about. So I was a porn-addicted, “sext“ually active girl, with a “Jesus girl” front.
Fool-proof plan; then my secrets caught up with me.
I was tired of church, because it was never real in the first place. I decided one night to skip out on “church event” and head to a bar to see a reggae band. BAD IDEA! Right? I knew it, and didn’t give a crap. I was drinking and smoking; partying. A guy started talking me up and told me to follow him, and I did, We ended up in his truck, and he told me that we should hook up. I remember saying, “But, I’m a virgin!”, and then my “purity ring” being tied to my jacket, and him saying “Not after tonight.” I laughed and nodded in agreement, and I don’t remember anything until we were driving back to this bar, and he was yelling for me to put back on my clothes. I got out of his truck, he yelled “slut“, and was in excruciating pain and in total disgust of not only him, but me. Well, word traveled fast, and that following Monday, the talk was how “Jesus girl” hooked up.
People applauded me.
People called me whore.
It sucked.
I became more depressed than I had ever been in my life.
Word got to my church, and they added even more drama to the problem, so then my apathetic nature rose even more. My desire to be loved my a male intensified. I began do anything to get the attention of guy. Sleeping with him, and then with him, and then him. I went from boasting about a purity ring, to sleeping with anyone who batted an eye at me, til the point where I could no longer count on one hand who I had been with. I gave a finger to the church, and I don’t give a crap attitude to God, and my life spiraled out of control. You name it; pregnancy scares, STD scares, almost over-dosing, near alcohol poisoning… It was terrifying.
Then after running and running…
…God found me.
It wasn’t at a church altar service.
It was in a bedroom at my mom and step dad’s house. I picked up an old devotional and then the real, sweet presence of God swept in that room. I began weeping, saying “God, I’m so sorry” over and over again. I was still pissed at the church, so it took a lot for me to find a church and stick with it. So since I wasn’t at a church and no accountability, I took a few jumps into sin. I moved back to where I had grown up and meet these two girls who would NOT shut up about their church. So, finally just to get them to stop bugging me, I went.
I met the real Jesus and fell madly in love.
God gave me the man I call my spiritual father. He gave me the people I see as family. He gave me a SECOND CHANCE. I didn’t deserve it. But He loves me enough not to give me what I deserve. He became my Daddy, and He always looks out for me, even when I didn’t see Him.
Does porn still scream in my face? Almost everyday.
But Daddy protects and always shows a way out.
Do I take the exit? Sometimes I don’t.
But He still picks me up when I fall.
Do I still get lonely? Yes, then He rescues me from that…when I let Him, sometimes I won’t let Him.
A week and a half ago, I stopped shouting “I’Mperfect” and started letting God work on the real, “IMperfect me.”
So I guess, I’ll end with this; God’s grace picked me up when “I” threw myself down. He still picks me up. Everyday.
Can He love someone who is a…
porn-addicted,
fornicating,
lying,
deceiving,
needy,
lost girl?
Yes, and I know, because that girl was me.
–Judith
**Check out XXXChurch for more resources and encouragement in your own personal purity battle.
GOD LOVES TEENAGERS!
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About legitimatelyimperfect
I get it…in so many ways that girl is me, too. Thanks Judith, really.
*hugs*
Legit.
This means that there is hope for me… thanks
Beautifully written and something more teens and adults need to hear. God is a God of grace and forgiveness…He amazes me with His his Fathering skills.
He is the Ultimate Father. The best. Faithful, loving, patient, and kind. Never giving up and His love never gives out. I’m so thankful for His mercy.