Steve Austin: Molested, Addicted, Forgiven.
I have always been one to trust too much. I like people. I like smiles. I like happy faces. I like making people feel good. I like when people like me and I LOVE being the center of attention.
I’m Steve Austin. This is my story.
I guess the people pleasing started around the age of three. I remember it like it happened this morning, every nasty detail. His name was Jeremy and he lived across the street. He was a teenager. He seemed like a giant at the time. He was big and strong and took advantage of me. He knew better. He was wrong.
I learned from my Momma the technique of “fake it to make it”. She had a great deal of hurt in her life, but she was always the life of the party, the happy one. She was always on the “up” in public, even if she was falling apart inside. So, we went through the court proceedings, the counseling, the hearings, and nothing happened to that teenage boy. He was shown grace. Grace he didn’t deserve. My family would have hung that teenage boy out to dry, but the judge gave him a second chance.
So, life for the three-year-old, returned to normal. I grew up in church. Dad sang in the musicals, Momma helped with the children’s choir, and there’s a video of me singing a solo in the Christmas program at the age of five.
Through my childhood, there are so many memories of “experimenting” with other children. Partly out of normal childhood curiosity, and partly because I had been exposed to something no adolescent should have knowledge of. I discovered porn at the age of twelve, and began a love affair that lasted for years. I liked it. It looked fun. It reminded me, in a sick and twisted way, of how I made Jeremy feel good as a tiny little boy. My mind was messed up. I shared it with friends, I told boys at school about it, and I had become the “porn expert” by 7th grade. I felt like I knew it all.
Did I fail to mention that I was still a good little church boy during this entire episode?
I was a youth leader, in all sorts of choirs and ensembles, and people would constantly remark to my parents that, “With his personality, he will either be a preacher or a politician”. I knew all the answers. I had literally been in church my whole life. Sunday morning and evening, Wednesday nights, Children’s camp, youth camp, you name it, I wanted to be there. But it was all just “stuff”. It was all “doing” and not “being”. I knew plenty about God, but I had no true relationship with God.
I’ll never forget that day in high school. I was a part of “Youth Leadership: Shelby County” a forum created by several governmental departments and rigorous in choosing which high school students would receive the honor of being part of this elite group. There we were, on a field trip to the Department of Human Resources, having a tour of their facility and getting the “run down” on everything they do “for the children”. The director of DHR came in to tell us about what happens when they have child molestation cases. My heart sank and my emotions were on overdrive, but I was in “fake it to make it” mode, determined that no one would know. It had been fourteen years, but the memory was still alive…down to the smells. When she brought out the dolls they use to identify what has happened to children, I lost it. I barely made it out of the room, running, before I fell apart in the hallway. I was humiliated. There I am, a leader in my school, amongst my peers, not on a church trip, and I have acted like a fool! I wanted to crawl under the carpet.
Back to the church boy: by the age of twenty, my feet had touched the soil of three foreign countries, each with the purpose of sharing the Gospel. I was serious about doing the “right thing”. I knew all the rules, but had no relationship. No revelation of God’s love that could keep me safe and sane through all of life’s struggles.
So I filled the void, I tried to cover the wounds with sex and porn and experimentation, with a little bit of church mixed in for good measure. Why? Because sexual sin carries with it a lie that says, “With this adventure, you can be taken away for a while. Come away with me. Let’s have fun. Let’s get away from it all.”
It wasn’t until I was a twenty-five-year-old that I started a process of truly learning who my Heavenly Father is. My Abba. Learning that He loved me first, with a love that is pure and holy. A love that is untainted and seeks to give, not take. I’m now twenty-eight, have been married for four years to my very best friend, Lindsey, and in just over a month, we will celebrate the birth of our first child, Benjamin Thomas.
For years, I allowed hurt to control my life. I had the victim mentality, the “woe is me” mindset, and I clung to it. I shrouded myself in shame and I used it all as an excuse for sexual deviance.
But God’s grace is greater.
His love is made perfect in my weakness.
I finally realized, that, like Jeremy, I had been given grace that I didn’t deserve. The Judge has given me a second chance and I will never be the same. Being real is so freeing. Setting aside the mask of religion and regulations, I am now free to love others and myself with the grace of God that is radically transformative.
Romans 2:4 says, “With a kind hand, I will lead them forth into radical life change.”
As a result of the revelation of God’s unconditional love and mercy, I am now free from the chains that once bound me and the hurt that held me captive for so long. It is my heart’s desire, from the revelation of grace that I’ve been given to start a revolution in the lives everyone I come in contact with.
Steve Austin is the founder and primary blogger at www.godlovesteenagers.com, home to devotionals, podcasts, and more. Steve is passionate about the trends, activities, and culture of today’s youth.
TheATTIC: Teen Talk Radio with Steve Austin is an online talk radio show where listeners have a voice on issues confronting today’s teens and tweens. A.T.T.I.C. stands for Actively Training To Imitate Christ. Through The ATTIC, teens can be heard around the world asking tough questions, sharing life experiences, and connecting to one another with the stuff that matters. The show airs Monday nights at 8:30pm CST at www.atticradio.com
The number for listeners to call-in and chat is 1 (877) 497-5895.
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About Steve Austin
Your very best writing. Your courage to speak so frankly and vulnerably here will no doubt open many hearts to hear what you have experienced in love and grace. I know it opened mine.
Kim! Thank you!
I love you, my friend!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for having the guts to write this. Your heart is wide open here, your clarity and humility real. Really, I’m a little undone and I can’t even find words to adequately articulate what that did…and I’m sure what it will continue to do. Wow.
“ugh” is what my brain was saying the whole time that my heart was throwing this up.
Thanks for responding.
Was NOT easy, but putting it out there is so freeing and takes back the power from the Enemy. I am truly glad to share.
The fact that it’s not even 1pm CST and 153 people have read my story, boggles my brain. The fact that some of those 153 people have had similar struggles and could find hope and encouragement through my scars ROCKS!
I love freedom.
That was LEGIT.
Your face is legit.
Your raw-ness is one of your strengths. Thank you.
Our friendship is one of my strengths. Thank YOU for always keeping me honest.
Wow, Steve, thank you so much for your transparency and openness in this post. I can’t imagine the courage it took to put those words to paper.
I am so proud to know you and to work beside you with POTSC and the Grace Mob! LOVE you!!
Angela! Thank YOU! This was a tough one because it was so personal. I actually left some stuff out–can you believe that?! My life was a total MESS before I had a life-altering, future-transforming REAL encounter with the JESUS of Second Chances! I will ALWAYS be imperfect, but I will NEVER be the same!
What an amazing man of God you are Steve. I am so sorry for what you went through. What I see is a Godly Man who has chosen Life. God is your Hiding Place, and He will surround you with songs and shouts of deliverance. According to God’s Word, He saw you when you were being formed in your mother’s womb; and on the authority of God’s Word, you were wonderfully made. You are His handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus. You have placed your Hope in Christ Jesus, a hope that will never disappoint, delude or shame you, for God’s love has been poured out in your heart through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to you. God bless you Steve as you walk in honesty and humility before our Lord. I will continually lift your family and ministry in prayer. Much love brother.
Pam, thank you for your kind words!
I’m not sorry for what I went through. I’m so thankful that God was able to use such a terrible experience to heal me, to draw me to intimacy with my Father and to now heal others. I went through some tough patches, but look at this: 240 people read my story yesterday. That’s REDEMPTION!!!!! :-D
Thank you for all the life you spoke. You are an awesome lady and I am glad to know you.
God bless you and thank you always for the prayers!
That is very powerful, and I am proud of you. Thank God for the immense amount of courage it took to let all of that go. Thank God for the ones who will come after you and who will have freedom because of you. To God be the glory!
Ugh. You know how sometimes you post things and forget just how PUBLIC they are?
Yea, didn’t think about you reading this. THANK YOU for showing me grace. I’m so thankful for the transition that has taken place in both of our lives and the journey that we are both on. I’m thankful for radical grace that can change the hardest of hearts and remove the phoniest of masks.
Thank you for stopping by. You have no idea what your comments have meant to me.
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Thank you and the raw honesty…At every Cross Road we have a choice which path to take. JESUS said I stand at the door, all you have to do is open it. Then start truely trusting JESUS for the rest of your life. Steve yours is a powerful example that GOD does not fake his Grace and LOVE. PEACE BIG POPPI
Wow, Steve. Your transparency here is stunning. I am honored to be POTSC with you.
Karen, on a daily basis you either challenge or encourage me…or both! I’m STOKED to be POTSC with you!
Grace, grace, grace, Steve. God chased after you and kept His hand on you all those years. He saw your heart and your wounds and longed for the day that you would let Him heal you with his grace. Thank you for the courage to share your story and help others see the grace of God. I’m so thankful to God that you can now help so many others who may have experienced what you went through.
Blessings,
~Erin
Thank you so much, Erin! Grace is messy and unfair. I’m so thankful for that!
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Bro, this kind of childhood trauma sucks….simply sucks. I bless you, in the name of Christ Jesus with joy and healing that only He can grant. You are a grace-full man and I am sure are a grace-full husband and soon, a grace-full father.
The road is not always easy, yet the road is also filled with grace…you’ve have learned to pickup the moments of grace very well.
God bless you!
Childhood trauma sucks for sure. Have you read one of Carlos Whittaker’s recent posts called “The Suck Will be Less”? I love it!
Thank you for the blessing and words of life!
Thankful to “meet” you!
Be blessed,
Steve
Thank you for being so vulnerable, and for writing this post. I was molested as a child myself by my uncle. I can understand you thoughts and feelings. It’s good to know that God can turn any horrible experience into something good. I can see He is doing just that in you! My God continue to heal you and speak through you!
~Danielle
http://www.cause-blog.com
I was a victim of the same for 13 years, multiple men.. I was able to overcome, and through all the hell it took, I wouldn’t trade a day back to change who I am now. Thanks for sharing.
Ashley, I am so sorry for what happened to you. But good news–you are still standing and God is crazy about you! Thanks for stopping by and trusting us with you story.
I loved this. It mirrors my life. Thank you for sharing
Thanks! And thanks for reading!!
Your story hit home with me. Same exact life story with the neighbors and such. Except I’m 37 now and never found god no matter matter how hard I searched. Glad you did. I never filled the void. I have a wonderful wife and kids but still have that hole inside me. Thanks for sharing.
Chad, your response has gripped my heart. I have emailed you a more personal response.
Grace and peace to you.
–Steve
Oh my precious, loving God, please wrap your loving arms around this man. Give him peace and comfort and heal his wounds. Give him your many blessings and let him know that he is loved by you and your children. Protect his life and his heart. You are awesome in this place mighty God! Amen:)
He has! Thank you! Amen!